I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
