i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
