Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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