I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
