How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
