just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
