ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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