Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
