i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
