They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
