My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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