I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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