When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
