Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
