I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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