did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
