Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
