I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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