There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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