I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
