well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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