Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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