I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
