I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
