You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
