those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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