My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
