I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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