The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
