My friends, they love my intelligence
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
