I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
