I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
