neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
