There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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