I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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