I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
