i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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