Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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