my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
please come you make the beer taste better
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
