i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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