I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
