Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
