It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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