Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
its not stalking. its research.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
