just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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