guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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