yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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