meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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