She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
