remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
