How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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