I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
