The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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