Why does Corona taste like a burp?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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